A common question relates to whether people are born with high EQ or whether it can be learned. The truth is that some will be more naturally gifted than others but the good
news are that emotional intelligence skills can be learned. (This must be so because emotional intelligence is shown to increase with age.) However, for this to happen, people must be personally motivated, practice extensively what they learn, receive feedback, and reinforce their new skills.
news are that emotional intelligence skills can be learned. (This must be so because emotional intelligence is shown to increase with age.) However, for this to happen, people must be personally motivated, practice extensively what they learn, receive feedback, and reinforce their new skills.
Improving your EQ can contain several elements known to reduce stress: moderating conflict; promoting understanding and relationships; and fostering stability, continuity, and harmony. Last but not least, it links strongly with concepts of love and spirituality.
BUT HOW, YOU ASK!? **
1. Become emotionally literate.
Label your feelings rather than labelinig people or situations. Examples of this would be to practice using sentences using "I feel". For example, I feel frustrated would be a better way of saying You are driving me crazy. I feel afraid would be a better way of saying Your driving is awful! This can be translated into a way to let someone know something they "did" by paying them a compliment.
One specific example I can think of this would be the other day at work, one staff member took the initiative to take out all the trash in the entire facility. They gathered each trashbag and replaced each recepricle with a new bag. I heard another employee say "You leaked the bags all over the ground! There is a trail around the facility where the bag dripped everywhere". Perhaps a better way of saying this would be "I feel so thankful that you took all the trash out! You really didn't have to do that. I appreciate you taking my trash out for me. It looks like one of the bags leaked a little. Do you want me to follow behind you with a mop?"
2. Distinguish between thoughts and feelings.
You may think things like I feel like that person is mad at me because they were really short with me this morning. I feel that it was unfair that so-and-so gets to come to work late everyday and nothing happens, but I came late two days and I had to have a discussion about my tardiness with the manager.
You FEEL things like "I feel _____". For example, you feel helpless. You feel taken advantage of. You feel jealous. You feel skeptical.
You FEEL things like "I feel _____". For example, you feel helpless. You feel taken advantage of. You feel jealous. You feel skeptical.
3. Take responsibility for your feelings
I feel jealous versus You are making me jealous. Analyze your own feelings rather than the motives and actions of other people. Just because you feel a certain way doesn't mean that someone else is DOING that to you. You feel the way you feel because of YOU. Not because of someone else.
Sure, I go to the gym and look around at all the people that are skinnier than I am. I think about how unfair it is and that they probably eat whatever they want and barely work out and are just lucky to be skinny. I feel envy. I feel jealous. I feel unmotivated. Those are all feelings that I FEEL because I have unmet emotional needs. It would be different if a girl at the gym walked up to me and said "Geez, you sure are fat. I am so skinny and I just ate a burger and a milkshake before I came. Look how skinny I am. Aren't you jealous?" But that doesn't happen (at least not yet...). I am just internalizing my own feelings and letting myself feel jealous/envious/unmotivated/etc.
4. Use your feelings to help make decisions
Think to yourself, how do I feel when I do this? How would I feel if I did this instead? Ask other people how things make them feel. If you notice (which takes a high EQ, otherwise you usually don't even sense that there is a problem) a co-worker appears frustrated (eye roll, clenched jaw, no eye contact, crossed arms, etc) after something you asked them to do...think about HOW you asked them and HOW it might have made them feel. It is okay to say "I feel as though I might have upset you. I asked you to hold the dog differently and your posture changed. Did I say something that upset you? How could I have asked you to hold the dog differently in a way that would not have come across so abrasive?"
It is OKAY to confront people about how you "read" them feeling (but you have to do it the RIGHT WAY). You will notice I did not say "I can see you are upset". I said "I feel as though I may have upset you." I gave them a reason I think they are feeling that way---ex. a change in posture. I asked them what I did, if there was something I could have done differently. This opens the lines of communication with this person and allows them the opportunity to say "yes, actually"...and so on. Of course, this means they have to have a high EQ as well.
Being aware of your communication style creates a higher EQ. A higher EQ creates a group of people that are comfortable speaking to each other and addressing conflict and creating solutions. Can't you see how this would lead to a better work environment?
Being aware of your communication style creates a higher EQ. A higher EQ creates a group of people that are comfortable speaking to each other and addressing conflict and creating solutions. Can't you see how this would lead to a better work environment?
5. Use feelings to set and achieve goals
Set goals around your feelings. Think about how you want to feel and how you want others to feel. Think not about the Golden Rule: treat others as you would want to be treated...but think about the Platinum Rule: Treat others as they would want to be treated. Get feedback and track your progress. ASK your co-workers on a scale from 0-10 how "respected" they feel by you. Ask if they have noted any progress. If not, keep at it. Even if you are a 10 on a scale from 0-10...strive to be even better!
6. Feel energized, not angry
Use what other people might call anger to feel energized and to take productive action. Ask yourself, "I am really upset by this. Why does this bother me so much? What specifically am I feeling? What are my primary feelings? What need do I have that is not being met? What priciples or morales of mine have been violated?
7. Validate other people's feelings
7. Validate other people's feelings
In the previous post we discussed empathy. You have to show empathy, understanding and an acceptance of other peoples feelings. Something that I try to live by is that "perception is reality". It doesn't really matter what you meant by what you said...its how the other person perceived it. If you said "I'm so annoyed today" and someone overhears you and takes it as "You are annoying me today"...that is YOUR fault. Somehow, the way you said the statement made them feel that way. You can blame it on sensitivity or whatever you want, but the truth of the matter is that if you made someone feel a certain way with something you said, then you said it wrong.
This is something that is so important to be aware of because it translates to client communication as well. If you say to a client "Your pets are all overdue on their annual items" it could be perceived by that client that you think they are a horrible pet owner and shouldn't even have a pet. Maybe thats not what you meant at all, but how many clients are going to say to you "now wait a minute, I've been a great pet owner". Not many. Most of them are going to call and speak to someone else and have their records transferred elsewhere and you are never going to know about it. If you have a low EQ, you might not think anything of it. If you have a high EQ, you might read the clients body language and know immediately that you said something wrong. This gives you the opportunity to apologize and build the relationship back up.
This is something that is so important to be aware of because it translates to client communication as well. If you say to a client "Your pets are all overdue on their annual items" it could be perceived by that client that you think they are a horrible pet owner and shouldn't even have a pet. Maybe thats not what you meant at all, but how many clients are going to say to you "now wait a minute, I've been a great pet owner". Not many. Most of them are going to call and speak to someone else and have their records transferred elsewhere and you are never going to know about it. If you have a low EQ, you might not think anything of it. If you have a high EQ, you might read the clients body language and know immediately that you said something wrong. This gives you the opportunity to apologize and build the relationship back up.
8. Use feelings to show respoect for others
Think before you speak. Its as simple as that. When your momma told you "if you can't say something nice...don't say anything at all". SHE MEANT IT. Listen to your momma.
9. Don't advise, command, control, judge, criticize, or lecture others
LISTEN WITH EMPATHY AND NON-JUDGEMENT
10. Avoid people who invalidate you
While this is not always possible, try to spend less time with them. Another thing your momma probably told you. "You are what you eat". "You are who your friends are". You are who you surround yourself with and you should make it a point to surround yourself with positive people.
"Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world." –George Bernard Shaw
How would you advise talking to an employee who has a low eq if they are offended by discussions even when "feel statements" are used? What are your tips for boosting your staff's EQ without singling people out?
ReplyDeleteI would start by asking them what statement offended them and why. I would probe more into WHY the statement upset them. Is their reason valid or are they being sensitive and not taking criticism well.
ReplyDeleteI would then try to determine if it was something about my management style that was causing the problem: was I singling them out too often, was I using a bad tone, choosing the wrong time of day to repremand, was I allowing them to tell their side of the story, etc.
IF I determined that it was them being too sensitive, I would discuss that with them. I would keep it about the facts. State the problem and how it is affecting the company. I would keep it about the company and not about you (not that you are doing that).
I would also have weekly meetings with each employee or teams (receptionists, nurses, kennel) to discuss EQ and do exercises for improving. This does two things: builds the teams and also prevents people from feeling like you are only talking to them.
I don't think its "singling someone out" if you have private meetings with them to discuss ways to improve. I think it is very important for them to understand that you are a manager and leader and that you are there to coach them into becoming a more valuable employee.
Reward good behaviors and good communication publicly and reward high EQ situations when they happen. Even just a compliment of "wow, Jane, that was a really good way of saying that. Would you please write that on the board to discuss at our next staff meeting?"
Sometimes employees may be unable to increase their EQ. They may be defensive when you meet with them, and ultimately YOU are the manager and have to deterime if they are able to become strong employees. You might have to "redistribute" them. If you have a more specific situation, email me at cehley@ahrdvm.com I'd love to be more specific, but I hate to do so on a public blog =)
Hope this helps! Would love to hear more!
This does help. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteYou mentioned writing something on the board for the next meeting. Do you have a thought board for upcoming meetings? I think that is an excellent idea and a great way to involve everyone in meeting topics.
Yes! For each staff meeting, we have 3 key people which we assign for month long duty. We have a Facilitator, who reads the topics from the board and keep the meeting moving when we get stuck on a topic. We have a Secretary, who writes down all the topics of discussion and also writes the decisions we come to. The third is the Mortician, who reads the Euthanasia report for the week so everyone knows which pets have passed away.
ReplyDeleteWe have a board hanging in the breakroom with numbers 1-15 on it and then a place for case study. Throughout the week, people write topics on the board that are in need of discussion. Each Monday from 1-2 we have our staff meeting (we have a doorbell for emergencies). We close the front doors and don't answer the phones so we can do continuing education for the staff. Every other Monday is a "team meeting" where we break into small meetings lead by the area manager to discuss topics specific to our areas.
I think this method allows discussion from everyone and also allows people to see what we are going to be talking about prior to the meeting. This helps people to have time to generate ideas and solutions prior to the meeting time. We type up the meeting notes and keep them on the Intranet for future reference. This prevents the "I didn't know that" or the "We have never talked about that".
I think the "tech area" should revolve around the strengths of staff you have at any given time. Even if you don't have a large staff, but you have 2 people that are "room personalities" you should utilize them that way. Have 2 room nurses and 1 treatment tech or 1 room nurse and 2 treatment techs. This actually helps the flow--you have someone in the room getting all the infomation and providing the warm/fuzzy client experience and then you have someone in the treatment area who is skilled at drawing up vaccines, getting tubes for blood labeled, preparing lab samples, caring for hospitalized patients, etc. If the staff changes and you have lots of treatment area type techs, have the doctors get their rooms or schedule the RVTs alternate schedules so they can be the room nurse. It won't work all the time, but playing toward the staff's strenghths will make them more comfortable and in turn provide a better experience for the client---which creates return clients and referrals.
ReplyDeleteGood, short read is:
ReplyDeleteMonday Morning Leadership by David Cottrell
I posted this thread on my linked in group for Veterinary Hospital Managers Association and I got some good feedback:
ReplyDeleteMaryle Malloy • “Affect” Vs. “Effect”
They nearly sound the same, and it is very easy to confuse the words “affect” and “effect”. The word “affect” means to have an influence on something. Whereas the word “effect” is the result of that influence.
With respect to Emotional Intelligence, as a leader, I want to affect the staff, leading by example. I've incorporated the principles from the Four Agreements: "Be Impeccable With Your Word, Don't Take Anything Personally, Don't Make Assumptions, and Always Do Your Best," into my daily life. These principles are my guide and are an integral part of my staff training. They set the bar for all of us, and provide a platform for shifting the paradigm within the workplace,
When these principles are incorporated with a *systems-based management model, the team develops a higher degree of awareness and empathy, (high emotional intelligence,) and the systems in which they work are effected as we identify and resolve issues, measure the results, and celebrate our successes.
Affect = Effect.
The Four Agreements®, Author: don Miguel Ruiz, published in 1997; was a New York Times bestseller for more than 7 years and the 36th bestselling book of the decade
*The New Agreements Systems Based Management model was developed by David Dibble. I am a certified trainer in New Agreements Systems-Based Management. .
Maryle Malloy • Teaching and training is always an ongoing process. Yes? With regard to the specific tasks,for example reading body language, etc. Set aside an entire staff meeting (50 minutes max.) Begin with a thorough explanation of "body language." Using video, photographs, or illustrations, provide examples, happy, fearful, angry, pensive, etc.Move to role-play. After the meeting, post the examples and the video or provide a link to the video for staff to review again, on their own time. Maintain an "open door" policy for any staff member to ask questions, and if you don't have the answers, get them.
ReplyDeleteFollow up:
1. Observe 3-4 interactions between staff and clients, as well as staff/staff. After you observe an interaction, which you believe will serve as a learning experience, discuss the encounter with the staff member(s.). Ask them to break down the experience and describe the various stages of body language which they observed, see if they can recall their own body language. Praise goes along way here as well. Even if the encounter was unpleasant, find something positive.
2. With permission from various staff members, use these examples at your next staff meeting. Role playing is a powerful tool here. It would be appropriate for the staff members whose "stories" you are sharing, to participate in the role playing. After story has been re-enacted, ask staff members to identify body language of the "actors," You could take it a step further, and ask how the "story" might be re-written if different body language were used.
3. Celebrate. Acknowledge the entire staff for participating in the "body language" seminar. Have a graduation cake made in the shape of a body to celebrate completion of the Body Language course. . Use magazines and find pictures that depict a variety of body languages, cut out the people and make a collage. Post it in your break room. Post pics of happy people next to computers and other private places throughout the practice. Select one employee each week, who has done an outstanding job of turning around a difficult situation with a client. Acknowledge them.
Paulo Alexandre Gomes Pereira • I really think that teams that have an "Emotional Inteligence Wise" leader have an obvious advantage in relation to others with more technical ones. All of what is said came from two professional that (also obviously) have a keen understanding of emotional inteligence, leadership, motivation techniques and team management.
ReplyDeleteOn the topic itself, I remember the cathartic moment of understanding emotional inteligence and my feelings, specifically. It made me so much more aware of other people's feelings and it translates to my communication skills.
The way one applies it to our professional experience will be as diverse as we are as individuals and, in that regard, I do think there are persons (personalities?) more prone to understand and apply it. Of course one can allways learn new and proven techniques...
Maryle Malloy • EI is never static. Growth in any form takes a commitment to becoming aware. As a leader, follower, peer, mother, daughter or friend, my challenge in any situation is to be "present." When I am present, it is easy to listen to the other person. In that simple act, I have validated them. Whether or not I agree with what they are saying, the point is, I'm listening. If I can remain in the present moment, my responses, both verbally and physically, will be appropriate to the situation, not based upon my past history. Who said it was easy? It's not, but I'll never give up. I do know that it get's easier. In the meantime, I surround myself with people and teachers who live, work and play at the highest level of EI
ReplyDeleteHere is a link to some info and videos from one of the pioneers in the field of EI, Daniel Goleman, Ph.D., author of the New York Times bestseller Emotional Intelligence and Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships
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http://danielgoleman.info/topics/emotional-intelligence/